Depression

poem by Shandrea Murphy

Stop calling me for stuff!
I can’t be here for you right now
I’m too busy trying to be depressed.

I know I’m the strong one
The one that always has your back,
But I’m honestly just not in the mood right now.

I’ve got my own stress to deal with
My own health the worry about
And I need my own time
My own space
My own energy

I can’t share any of it with you
I don’t even have enough to sustain myself
I can’t even get out of bed

Please just let me lie here
Eat my snacks
And wait for this cloud to pass.

It comes around often.
Usually when I’ve hit a turnpike
There’s a major life change
When I have to accept that some things really ARE outside of my control
When I get the sense that I have somehow failed even if I don’t know at what
Basically, whenever I allow myself to feel anything.

I never know when it’s coming
I don’t feel it until I’m already submerged.
When I find it hard to indulge in my favorite hobbies
When bed becomes more satisfying than a walk in the park
When I can’t sleep at night and have to make up for it during the day
When I roll my eyes at the sight of your name on my phone
At the thought of anybody needing me for anything right now.

I know you only call because you trust me
You know that I’ll be there
For whatever you need
Even if it inconveniences me
Even if I don’t feel like it
And most of the time I really don’t

Times like this make me hate that I give good advice
That I’m so loyal
Rational
Understanding
And appear not to judge.

Dammit, why do I have to be such a good person?

And if I’m so good
Why does this happen to me?
Aren’t good people supposed to be happy?
Why can’t being there for you
Be enough for me?

Why can’t I take pride in being that listening ear
That advocate
I may not be the shoulder you can cry on
But I’ll be the person that makes you forget to cry

But right now I need to take care of myself
I can’t be here for you
I need to be here for me.

It’s for me to give myself some good advice
Tell myself that everything will be ok
That this is just something that people go through.
It’s time for me to come up with solutions for myself.

You see
Just like you depend on me
I depend on me.
Just like you need me
I need me.

I’m my own comforter.

So please,
Just take a little time to need someone else.
I can’t be good to you
If I’m not good to myself.

About the writer

Shandrea is a 28-year-old mother, writer, and public servant. She grew up in the small city of Little Rock, AR assisting her grandmother with the care of mentally and physically ill family members. This life gave her a keen insight into the difficulties faced by families who struggle with poverty, disabilities, and limited resources which led to her interest in the public service field. Since receiving her Bachelor’s Degree in Anthropology, and Certification in Nonprofit Management from UA Little Rock in 2016, Shandrea has spent time developing communications for city government and nonprofit agencies within the Little Rock area, and managing her blogs The Insouciant Bibliophile, and Miscellaneous Announcements.
 
Twitter: @Insouciant1
Instagram: @insouciant_bibliophile
Facebook: Shandrea Murphy