Depression

poem by Shandrea Murphy

I’m terrified of you, you know
All four 4 feet and 48 pounds of you.

I’m terrified because you are the living
Breathing
Thinking
Feeling
Learning
Evolving part of my heart.

I knew from the moment those two lines entered my sight
That I was doomed.

Doomed to love in spite of mistakes
Doomed to worry about how the world would receive you
And how you would interpret a world so flawed
So damned
Confused
Divided
Segregated
Barely compromising

How could I,
A girl who couldn’t protect herself
Expect to shield you from the pain you are guaranteed to encounter?
A woman who just found herself
Her passion
Her drive
Show your fresh eyes a world that you owe no explanation
A world to which you do not bow
Or accept an assigned space.

How do I,
A person who has to find my own place
Empower you to create yours?

It took several lifetimes for me to find a love that was good enough for you,
And at every glimpse of you, I’m fortunate enough to gaze
I muster the strength to search for more.

I know there will be scars I can’t heal
Boo boos I can’t kiss away
Disappointment I can’t make you forget

I may not always say yes,
Or ever be able to afford the silver spoon you deserve.
I’ll lose my patience
Forget you’re just a child
Say some things I later regret.

I may not even grow into the woman I wish for you to see
The kind that can leave her children a legacy
Generational wealth
A network or opportunity

But I’m going to try.

I’m going to try because you deserve to have the mother I didn’t
The money to pursue your dreams
The freedom to ask questions
The courage to succeed.

I’m going to try because I just can’t handle raising another me.

YOU are going to be great.
YOU are going to be confident.
YOU are going to be free.

So I guess what I mean to say is,
I’m terrified of failing you.
Because failing you
Would kill me.

–Love, Mom

About the writer

Shandrea is a 28-year-old mother, writer, and public servant. She grew up in the small city of Little Rock, AR assisting her grandmother with the care of mentally and physically ill family members. This life gave her a keen insight into the difficulties faced by families who struggle with poverty, disabilities, and limited resources which led to her interest in the public service field. Since receiving her Bachelor’s Degree in Anthropology, and Certification in Nonprofit Management from UA Little Rock in 2016, Shandrea has spent time developing communications for city government and nonprofit agencies within the Little Rock area, and managing her blogs The Insouciant Bibliophile, and Miscellaneous Announcements.
 
Twitter: @Insouciant1
Instagram: @insouciant_bibliophile
Facebook: Shandrea Murphy