"Why are you atheist?"
narrative essay by Brooke Jean
I think a better question is “Why are people religious?” Honestly. Think about that question for a while, whether you are religious or not.
Is it because people believe there is a savior who died for our sins? Is it because people believe there is some otherworldly place our souls transcend (or descend) to after death? Is it because people WANT to believe these things, because imagining an eternity of nothingness and non-existence is terrifying? Is it simply because people were raised in a certain belief system by their parents and thousands of generations before them did the same that this is now something indisputable in their minds? Or even if they question their religion, they’d rather accept it than try to rationalize or dispute it?
I guess I always questioned the idea of ‘God’ with a capital G on some level. When I was younger and able to think about religion semi-rationally, I wanted to believe in God. my family went to church (specifically non-denominational Christian churches) sporadically while I was growing up, but never regularly; maybe we’d go for a month straight, then end up skipping a week, then two, then forget to go back for another couple years.
I never really hated going to church. I didn’t love it, but I could sit there and focus for a couple of hours on the dude up on the stage, talking and smiling and nodding and occasionally shouting and making his audience laugh. Sometimes I thought, “Why does he do this? Why does he want to convince us so badly? Why do people need to be reassured and convinced of their faith every week?” But I accepted that church was just a thing people did, and I’d go home and not think about it much again.
I can specifically remember, though, the times I would lie awake at night around 9, 10, 11 years old or so. I’d usually be awakened by my parents’ whisper-yelling and arguing. Whenever one of their voices would get a little louder and I got frightened, I did the only thing I was ever taught to do when I wanted my way but had no say in it: I tried praying.
I’d pray for hours, “please God, please please please God, make Mommy and Daddy stop fighting.” It never worked, though. It actually got worse over the years to the point where they eventually separated. But “God has a plan” right? So, I kind of gave up on the whole power of prayer thing by 12 years old or so, seeing that it didn’t make a difference either way since God’s plan ruled over what us measly humans wanted.
My faith was hanging on by a thread during my early, angsty teen years. I began to have intrusive thoughts about religion whenever I tried to pray to ‘God,’ thoughts like “What if he doesn’t even exist and you’re just wasting your time?” followed by “Am I going to Hell for thinking that?” Every time I found myself praying or asking God for something I really wanted to happen, I was interrupted by these thoughts. So, I stopped thinking about God for the most part. Whenever friends asked me about my family and our religion, I’d still say we were Christian, though.
I guess some religious activities I was involved in had their perks. I did a summer of VBS (vacation bible school) egged on by one of my mom’s friends/our neighbor who insisted we’d love it (my younger sister and I). In all honesty, it was pretty fun for a ten and nine-year-old. We basically learned some bible snippets for a little bit, practiced songs and simple dances every day, and got fed, too, then got to go home. It was a fun summer from what I remember, but did it increase my faith in ‘God?’ Not really; it just kept me entertained.
When I was about 18 years old is probably when I realized I was atheist and maybe even resentful towards religion in general. I found myself wondering how people could blindly follow a system that has no real evidence, just bibles and testimonials from total strangers. To me, the age of the religion doesn’t matter. The earth and the universe are older than our minds can even comprehend. The idea of a ‘God’ creating all that is out in the universe is just too simple of an explanation when we know just a fraction of the scientific forces that exist in space and time. But so many just chalk it all up to ‘God.’ I couldn’t, and I can’t.
Of course, I still respect people who are religious. Believe what you want; it doesn’t make a difference to me. As long as you aren’t preaching to me or trying to ‘save’ me, you can worship whoever and whatever you want in your free time.
When I started college, I really wanted to minor in philosophy. I have always been intrigued by how humans think about life and the ideas behind whether there is a ‘meaning’ to our existence or not. My university had a new minor they were introducing: Ethics. It’s basically a combination of Religious Studies and Philosophy. Since I didn’t really grow up with a strong religious background – and I also thought I couldn’t call myself a true atheist till I understood the background of the major religions – I decided to give Ethics a shot. Plus, it was only 12 credit hours to complete. Sign me up.
The first class I took for the minor was RLS 305, Early Christian Monasticism. Boy, was that an interesting course. First of all, my professor was amazing. He was incredibly knowledgeable about Christianity, reciting bible verses, speaking fluent Latin and writing it down for the class. We read a lot of the New Testament and primary texts from monks themselves, and all students had to write a page and a half mini-essay every week reflecting on that week’s major text.
Being an English major, this class was both fun and challenging. I learned why people would retreat to the desert or wilderness to escape the ‘sinful’ ways of civilization and immerse themselves in hardship to become closer to ‘God’ – and people still do this to this day. I learned how Christianity began and how it progressed throughout many centuries.
But, during and after taking this class, my atheism level just increased. Even after hearing some of my classmates share their own experiences with Christianity (out of the 14ish students in the class, probably most of them were Christian, I inferred based on what they shared), I just couldn’t relate to them at all. However, the class did open my eyes and teach me a lot about the origins of Christianity and helped me better understand the religion as a whole.
Flash forward to my first semester as a sophomore: the second class I took for the minor was Comparative Religion (RLS 101). I expected that this class would be a breeze. We were to cover the five major world religions throughout the course: Hinduism, Buddhism, Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. Prior to taking the class, I thought to myself ‘Maybe these other religions aren’t as unconvincing as Christianity.’ But after taking the class, I’d say they’re all about equally unappealing to me. Hinduism and Buddhism were the most foreign to me before the class and, therefore, the most interesting. But like most other religions, these two have sets of rules that I just can’t get really get behind.
Anyway, my point behind talking about my education in these courses is to prove – to both myself and to others – that I am beginning to educate myself on religion. Though I do not practice any religion and simply cannot believe in it myself, I find the subjects fascinating. Religion has shaped our world – for better and for worse – and continues to do so. There are a lot of things I hate about religion and how it’s been practiced throughout history and the harm it has caused to various groups, but that doesn’t mean I think it shouldn’t exist.
I love talking to people who are religious and hearing their reasons behind their faith. I never want to criticize or belittle people or their beliefs. I do have my own philosophy on life, though, that I would like to share:
We, as humans, know very little about the universe we live in. There is probably no way that we can ever come to a definite conclusion on how the universe came to be, when it started, etc… most of us just can’t wrap our minds around it. If we think about other intellectual beings that exist out in the universe – and I am sure they do, because it would be incredibly dim to think we are the only ‘intelligent’ life forms in the ENTIRE universe – they surely have their own beliefs and/or ‘facts’ about the universe and its origins. Who is to say which is correct, if any? How can we ever know?
The most likely reasoning I can come up with for human life is based in science. The human brain is a complex organ based on electrical impulses, and each brain is different based on our DNA. It is awesome that humans can even contemplate their existence at the level that we do. and while I think it is amazing, I don’t think that it can only be explained by the belief in a God who knows all.
There is so much science that is yet to be discovered by humans, and there are surely things that we will never know as humans on earth. So, we may live our lives as we so choose, following or rejecting the systems set forth by civilization and our different societies. Either way, I do not think how we live our lives make a difference when we die.
My best guess is that there is probably no state of consciousness after we die. Our bodies shut down, and therefore, we do not have a brain nor any awareness. I do not think we have ‘souls’ that ‘go’ anywhere. How can there be an ethics system of a ‘Heaven’ or ‘Hell’ where the ‘bad’ and ‘good’ people go when morals and ethics are so diverse even on our own planet? How can there be an almighty judge that decides where we get to spend eternity forever? Could tyrants like Hitler go to Heaven if they confessed their sins and stated their faith in Jesus before death? Where does this God draw the line, if any? And what about animals – do their actions not matter because they don’t have advanced brains like ours? What about other life forms? I can’t wrap my head around it. So, like it’s easiest for many people to believe in a religion, it’s easiest for me to believe that there is nothing after we die. We – and all living beings – simply don’t exist anymore. That might be scary, but it could also be completely false, but us humans just can’t. know.
Is it because people believe there is a savior who died for our sins? Is it because people believe there is some otherworldly place our souls transcend (or descend) to after death? Is it because people WANT to believe these things, because imagining an eternity of nothingness and non-existence is terrifying? Is it simply because people were raised in a certain belief system by their parents and thousands of generations before them did the same that this is now something indisputable in their minds? Or even if they question their religion, they’d rather accept it than try to rationalize or dispute it?
I guess I always questioned the idea of ‘God’ with a capital G on some level. When I was younger and able to think about religion semi-rationally, I wanted to believe in God. my family went to church (specifically non-denominational Christian churches) sporadically while I was growing up, but never regularly; maybe we’d go for a month straight, then end up skipping a week, then two, then forget to go back for another couple years.
I never really hated going to church. I didn’t love it, but I could sit there and focus for a couple of hours on the dude up on the stage, talking and smiling and nodding and occasionally shouting and making his audience laugh. Sometimes I thought, “Why does he do this? Why does he want to convince us so badly? Why do people need to be reassured and convinced of their faith every week?” But I accepted that church was just a thing people did, and I’d go home and not think about it much again.
I can specifically remember, though, the times I would lie awake at night around 9, 10, 11 years old or so. I’d usually be awakened by my parents’ whisper-yelling and arguing. Whenever one of their voices would get a little louder and I got frightened, I did the only thing I was ever taught to do when I wanted my way but had no say in it: I tried praying.
I’d pray for hours, “please God, please please please God, make Mommy and Daddy stop fighting.” It never worked, though. It actually got worse over the years to the point where they eventually separated. But “God has a plan” right? So, I kind of gave up on the whole power of prayer thing by 12 years old or so, seeing that it didn’t make a difference either way since God’s plan ruled over what us measly humans wanted.
My faith was hanging on by a thread during my early, angsty teen years. I began to have intrusive thoughts about religion whenever I tried to pray to ‘God,’ thoughts like “What if he doesn’t even exist and you’re just wasting your time?” followed by “Am I going to Hell for thinking that?” Every time I found myself praying or asking God for something I really wanted to happen, I was interrupted by these thoughts. So, I stopped thinking about God for the most part. Whenever friends asked me about my family and our religion, I’d still say we were Christian, though.
I guess some religious activities I was involved in had their perks. I did a summer of VBS (vacation bible school) egged on by one of my mom’s friends/our neighbor who insisted we’d love it (my younger sister and I). In all honesty, it was pretty fun for a ten and nine-year-old. We basically learned some bible snippets for a little bit, practiced songs and simple dances every day, and got fed, too, then got to go home. It was a fun summer from what I remember, but did it increase my faith in ‘God?’ Not really; it just kept me entertained.
When I was about 18 years old is probably when I realized I was atheist and maybe even resentful towards religion in general. I found myself wondering how people could blindly follow a system that has no real evidence, just bibles and testimonials from total strangers. To me, the age of the religion doesn’t matter. The earth and the universe are older than our minds can even comprehend. The idea of a ‘God’ creating all that is out in the universe is just too simple of an explanation when we know just a fraction of the scientific forces that exist in space and time. But so many just chalk it all up to ‘God.’ I couldn’t, and I can’t.
Of course, I still respect people who are religious. Believe what you want; it doesn’t make a difference to me. As long as you aren’t preaching to me or trying to ‘save’ me, you can worship whoever and whatever you want in your free time.
When I started college, I really wanted to minor in philosophy. I have always been intrigued by how humans think about life and the ideas behind whether there is a ‘meaning’ to our existence or not. My university had a new minor they were introducing: Ethics. It’s basically a combination of Religious Studies and Philosophy. Since I didn’t really grow up with a strong religious background – and I also thought I couldn’t call myself a true atheist till I understood the background of the major religions – I decided to give Ethics a shot. Plus, it was only 12 credit hours to complete. Sign me up.
The first class I took for the minor was RLS 305, Early Christian Monasticism. Boy, was that an interesting course. First of all, my professor was amazing. He was incredibly knowledgeable about Christianity, reciting bible verses, speaking fluent Latin and writing it down for the class. We read a lot of the New Testament and primary texts from monks themselves, and all students had to write a page and a half mini-essay every week reflecting on that week’s major text.
Being an English major, this class was both fun and challenging. I learned why people would retreat to the desert or wilderness to escape the ‘sinful’ ways of civilization and immerse themselves in hardship to become closer to ‘God’ – and people still do this to this day. I learned how Christianity began and how it progressed throughout many centuries.
But, during and after taking this class, my atheism level just increased. Even after hearing some of my classmates share their own experiences with Christianity (out of the 14ish students in the class, probably most of them were Christian, I inferred based on what they shared), I just couldn’t relate to them at all. However, the class did open my eyes and teach me a lot about the origins of Christianity and helped me better understand the religion as a whole.
Flash forward to my first semester as a sophomore: the second class I took for the minor was Comparative Religion (RLS 101). I expected that this class would be a breeze. We were to cover the five major world religions throughout the course: Hinduism, Buddhism, Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. Prior to taking the class, I thought to myself ‘Maybe these other religions aren’t as unconvincing as Christianity.’ But after taking the class, I’d say they’re all about equally unappealing to me. Hinduism and Buddhism were the most foreign to me before the class and, therefore, the most interesting. But like most other religions, these two have sets of rules that I just can’t get really get behind.
Anyway, my point behind talking about my education in these courses is to prove – to both myself and to others – that I am beginning to educate myself on religion. Though I do not practice any religion and simply cannot believe in it myself, I find the subjects fascinating. Religion has shaped our world – for better and for worse – and continues to do so. There are a lot of things I hate about religion and how it’s been practiced throughout history and the harm it has caused to various groups, but that doesn’t mean I think it shouldn’t exist.
I love talking to people who are religious and hearing their reasons behind their faith. I never want to criticize or belittle people or their beliefs. I do have my own philosophy on life, though, that I would like to share:
We, as humans, know very little about the universe we live in. There is probably no way that we can ever come to a definite conclusion on how the universe came to be, when it started, etc… most of us just can’t wrap our minds around it. If we think about other intellectual beings that exist out in the universe – and I am sure they do, because it would be incredibly dim to think we are the only ‘intelligent’ life forms in the ENTIRE universe – they surely have their own beliefs and/or ‘facts’ about the universe and its origins. Who is to say which is correct, if any? How can we ever know?
The most likely reasoning I can come up with for human life is based in science. The human brain is a complex organ based on electrical impulses, and each brain is different based on our DNA. It is awesome that humans can even contemplate their existence at the level that we do. and while I think it is amazing, I don’t think that it can only be explained by the belief in a God who knows all.
There is so much science that is yet to be discovered by humans, and there are surely things that we will never know as humans on earth. So, we may live our lives as we so choose, following or rejecting the systems set forth by civilization and our different societies. Either way, I do not think how we live our lives make a difference when we die.
My best guess is that there is probably no state of consciousness after we die. Our bodies shut down, and therefore, we do not have a brain nor any awareness. I do not think we have ‘souls’ that ‘go’ anywhere. How can there be an ethics system of a ‘Heaven’ or ‘Hell’ where the ‘bad’ and ‘good’ people go when morals and ethics are so diverse even on our own planet? How can there be an almighty judge that decides where we get to spend eternity forever? Could tyrants like Hitler go to Heaven if they confessed their sins and stated their faith in Jesus before death? Where does this God draw the line, if any? And what about animals – do their actions not matter because they don’t have advanced brains like ours? What about other life forms? I can’t wrap my head around it. So, like it’s easiest for many people to believe in a religion, it’s easiest for me to believe that there is nothing after we die. We – and all living beings – simply don’t exist anymore. That might be scary, but it could also be completely false, but us humans just can’t. know.
About the writer
Brooke Jean (Pisciotto) is an undergraduate English major at Roosevelt University in Chicago, Illinois. Her favorite genres of literature currently are dystopian novels, memoirs, and flash fiction. She hopes to earn her MA in English after her BA and become a professor of English, planning to concentrate her studies on European writers.
Instagram: @brookejeanxo Website: babblingbrooke.us |